“Only one country can attack all of its neighbours and get to whine about it all.” -Israeli Diaper Forces Spokesperson

An internationally wanted war criminal is getting criticized by some of their biggest arms suppliers. This is a very bad thing for Canada, and most importantly, it hurts my feelings.

“Israel must halt settlements which are illegal and undermine the viability of a Palestinian state and the security of both Israelis and Palestinians,” the statement read. This is a sharp contrast from Canada’s history of our homegrown Indigenous oppression. Clearly, it is a move driven by powerful antisemitic forces in the Carney-led Liberal minority government. A government that, in the past week, has not shied away from slapping Netanyahu’s hands lightly.

Netanyahu’s violence always gets questioned, but this statement specifically should be a cause for concern. When we criticize Netanyahu, we forget one thing: Israel is the only country in the Middle East to share our Canadian settler colonial values. That’s why when Hamas resisted, I couldn’t help but side with their Israeli oppressors.

Of course, this was a calculated move from Hamas. They should’ve just accepted the occupation of their land with the support of Canada. Instead, they made me witness the scenes of a flattened Gaza, starving children, and a mass unhoused population—which I wanted to happen anyway, I just didn’t want to see it daily on my X feed.

So, I will repeat for those who forgot or chose to ignore it: If Hamas had not resisted the occupation of their land, I wouldn’t have seen these distressing images. I would have bought my own beach view property in Gaza. Now, Israel is facing criticism and threats of sanctions, and along with it, my dream of owning that stunning villa is slipping away. So here I am, writing this column in a desperate attempt to rile you up and ease my fragile, wounded ego.

There is no question that the Palestinians bear immense, unspeakable suffering in this war. The images of dead children and grieving parents are horrific. But rather than focus on their destruction, I want you to think that these words written by the leaders in Ottawa, Paris, and London, are equivalent to the bombing of a residential block. Because sticks and stones may break Palestinian bones, but words are antisemitic when used to criticize Israel.

Canada should not listen to these evil humanitarian voices. Instead, it should remember that it was once a leader in settler colonialism and strive to do worse.